Avarice Makes Strange Bedfellows
by Shocotate
Summary: For once the Homunculi are in human disguise together as a family. The only problem is Lust and Envy haven't turned up yet, leaving Pride and Greed stuck with each other. Set early-mid 1700s. Written for FMA Secret Santa 2017


A/N: Hi everyone! I wrote this for Asarose on tumblr as part of fma secret santa. She wanted some Pride and Greed BROTP. This is my first time writing Greed for forever so I hope I did ok :) This is probably set when Envy is between 5 and 10 years old.

* * *

 **Avarice Makes Strange Bedfellows**

The eldest's pale fingers brushed over the bright wax seal as he read, catching the faint ridges of the interlaced triangles of the Ouroboros at its centre. Apt, if nothing else, and no human could hope to decipher its meaning.

 _Pride,_

 _The preparations are complete. Envy and I shall be joining you presently. I am sure the humans will be even more easily fooled if we are all together in our acts._

 _Lust_

The letter lay open within the less creased pages of a recently published book, and Pride could not remember when exactly he had placed it there. Not more than a week, he thought, not that it mattered, though part of him wished Lust had dated the letter.

Shifting back in his chair, Pride enjoyed the waves of heat that reached his container's skin from the fireplace, and revelled in this brief lack of structure while they awaited their other siblings. Once they joined them, and under the supervision of _all_ his siblings, Pride had no doubts about Envy settling and learning to refine his abilities. He laid his head down on the armchair, holding the book beside him and lightly closing his eyes. Though Pride had already changed into his nightshirt, he had no intention of sleeping anywhere but his bed. He was merely resting his eyes, and his shadow painted the walls.

"I'm _bored_ , Pride."

Of course, Greed, in his endless impatience, could not possibly appreciate such things. His no longer youngest brother made a questionable houseguest in every sense. For one, unlike his previous assignments, Pride needed to actually _interact_ with him rather than simply be ignored in his guises as a child. Not to mention Greed was much too young to be anything resembling sensible, even now lounging upon their fine upholstered furniture.

 **"I'm sure you will find something to distract yourself."** Pride's shadow arched over the fireplace, flickering in the wavering light. **"Lust and Envy shall be joining us soon enough, and then we can continue the mission in a more public manner."**

"They should've come with us in the first place then." Greed grumbled and glanced up at his true and perfect self, those useless tiny spectacles covering his eyes. If Pride didn't know any better he would have said Greed somehow thought wearing them would improve his already flawless eyesight. Surely Greed wasn't _that_ naïve. "Why can't we go to the theatre again?"

 **"We have already been to the theatre."**

"Yeah, two weeks ago!"

Pride did not bother providing his little brother a response, watching Greed fidget for a few moments longer. He reached for his ever so ornate pipe and cursed something about having no matches, before pushing up and striding off.

A lazier, less irritating silence stretched, Pride listening for Greed's fading footfalls. Thankfully he seemed to leave out the front door, rather than upstairs lest he again smash his horrendous 'music' out of the pianoforte. Pride let him be. Whatever Greed did outside, it all supplied somewhat useful knowledge on New Optain's current development, and what classed as culture in the budding town.

The fire had flickered and faded into ash before Pride fluttered open his container's eyes, yawning very softly in the dark. Had he dozed off? How odd. What could have woken him? He did not dwell on it, shuffling off the armchair, the barren layout familiar enough over the past few weeks for him to navigate without effort.

Only to find Greed striding over the doorstep, a woman attached to his arm. Probably some young lady captivated with but a single glance by Greed's fine clothes and laidback charms, but irrelevant. The senseless girl… no more than _trespassing._

"F-Father…When will Mama be home?" Pride mewled, stepping tiny, uncertain steps into the light of the cramped foyer with a sniffle. "I miss her…"

Over his almost two centuries the act was perfected in its tone and rehearsed actions, no matter how rarely utilised. His quiet, weeping wails echoed forlornly. Greed's face almost made the indignity worthwhile. It was only necessary, anyway.

His little shivering shape padded closer, tripped on his nightshirt and caught himself on Greed's leg, clinging to his beloved parent, yearning for some comfort in the absence of his mother.

"Who're you…?" Pride blinked his wide, watery eyes, staring up at the woman, appearing as nothing more than a heartbroken whelp. "You're not Mama…"

"You should be in bed, brat." Greed kicked his leg, as if he could ever hope to dislodge him.

Pride only tightened his meagre grip with another sob, and unseen beneath his long frilled sleeves his shadow looped around also, digging in ever so slightly.

"I…I had a nightmare! F-Father…Father, please…" He whimpered, wiping his tears and catching out of the corner of his eye the human babbling something. She backed her way out the door before Greed could coax her back, and Pride pushed it shut with a thin tendril.

"What the hell, Pride? I try 'n' keep out of your way and you go and screw it up."

 **"By bringing a human woman here?"** Pride dusted himself off, tearing away from Greed's side and casting him a withering look. **"Have you forgotten your role in the mission? You must appear to all as a high-class,** ** _married_** **gentleman,** ** _not_** **fetching anyone off the street into our home."** He snickered, turning away. **"Besides, what kind of host would you be? Here we are, living out of empty cupboards. The humans will grow suspicious of us. We must remedy this."**

Greed only murmured something that Pride had no interest in deciphering. Nothing but nonsense no doubt.

 **"Tomorrow we are going shopping."** Pride called, already climbing the staircase to their bedrooms. " **I'm sure the frivolous spending will sate that boredom of yours."** He left a shadow in the hallway, keeping a watchful eye on Greed to make sure he followed, contemplating a use for whatever they would purchase, and a use for his hopeless brother, too.

* * *

Shopping, as it turned out, was nothing but Big Brother enjoying his prick self at a café while bossing him around. Buy some lamb and bread and pork, who cares why, they'll look nice in the kitchen! Gotta look human even though you aren't allowed any guests! That's what his smug prick face had said behind the teacup.

"Wasn't the café lovely? We should go back one day with Mother!"

Having finally secured the last of the items, Greed and Pride walked along, a small crate of tealeaves under Greed's arm and a crumpled note – holding the promise of more fresh food to be delivered tomorrow – crushed against the gin bottle. That was not on the list, but Greed savoured his little victory there. Pride hadn't bothered to comment on it, anyway.

That meant _another_ day they'd need to spend cooped up at 'home', then! Pride was probably just lapping this up, keeping him trapped and only letting him out for pointless stuff like food shopping. Where was the _actual_ kinda spending, like those weird huge vases from Xing, the fancy new furs and shit? Oh well, least he could still sneak out at night.

"Could you pick me up, Father?" Pride played up his kid act every which way, pushing worriedly onto the balls of his feet lest he dirty his little white stockings in the puddles lining the street. Hopefully it wouldn't start raining again anytime soon.

"Nah, I think you've mastered this whole 'walking' thing, _son_."

Big Brother turned to him with his big doe eyes, and opened his mouth, only to land right in another puddle, up past his ankle.

"P-Pick me up!" Pride whined, recoiling straight into his side, his purple eyes wide, and whether or not the embarrassment was real Greed smirked internally. Apparently deciding even being this close was too much for his liking, Pride pushed him away with a stubborn scoff. "I…I'm ok!"

Shaking his foot and sending water everywhere Pride trudged off with his wet ankle in an overdone sulk, folding his arms around his chest and pouting, hopefully not crushing the eggs in the bag. The wine spout poked his nose, hiding whatever brat face he was pulling now. His shoe squelched as he walked, and as Greed caught up alongside him he watched him blow a fake little breath that sounded more like a sigh, a weird sheen in his eyes, dark, tired, like he'd never enjoyed a single thing in his too long life. Looked messed up on that runt face of his.

The sheen passed and Pride returned. The older homunculus caught his glancing, shooting him a dangerous flash of a glare, before even that faded beneath his acting, oh-so bright and cheery and perfect again.

"I know! I'll go on ahead and put the food away, Father!" And without another word Greed watched his little red coat disappear down the street.

In no such totally-not-flustered hurry, Greed sauntered up to their 'home' about ten minutes later, the chimney already puffing its steady stream of smoke as he stepped inside; Pride must've lit the fire early. He peeked into the drawing room, and sure enough, his soaked stockings dangled over the fireplace. No sign of Pride though.

The second Greed's pointed shoe touched the drawing room the walls turned black, growing long strips of white here and there. Ok, never mind, there was _plenty_ of him in the room.

"You, er, still mad?" Greed held his hands up, holding his gin bottle with two fingers.

 **"Wrath does not exist in me, Greed, so no."** The dark strands remained flat against the walls; one opened its mouth and clacked its teeth just once. The many, many pink eyes squinted. **"Come to the kitchen."**

Once all the eyes closed and the room became less _suffocating_ , Greed lowered his hands, setting the gin down on an end table along with the note and tealeaves before heading down the hallway (with its thankfully bare walls).

And there was Pride, leaning over the stove, murmuring something to himself with an adult-sized apron tied in a knot around his waist and shadows poured out from his shoes. Bizarre wasn't the word.

There was not being mad, and then there was _cooking dinner_ like it was the most normal thing in the world.

" _You_ , cooking? What the hell for?"

 **"Because I'm not Lust."** Pride stated matter-of-factly. His hollow, metallic voice echoed over the doorframe rather than from his container standing tiptoed upon its stool, forcing the younger homunculus further into the room. **"We have acquired this food, no need to waste it."**

Greed grimaced toothily at the memory of Big Sister's numerous attempts at cooking, and the resulting blackened lumps resembling anything but food. It was like she got caught up in watching the heat of the fire to pay attention to whatever she was making. Who knew her lack of skill was such common knowledge, enough for even _Pride_ to make fun of it?

It didn't matter, what was he meant to say to that, anyway? Agree and have it blow up in his face because Big Bro _obviously_ had the monopoly on teasing his sister? Or argue back and say nope, I love those screwy things Sis cooks up, because that's just how Greed rolled? Even to him that felt like a contrarian step too far. Plus that'd count as lying.

 **"Now come, the eggs have finished boiling,"** Pride stopped him from needing to say anything either way. **"show us that** ** _special talent_** **of yours."** One of his way-too-long arms plucked out an egg, looped around it and crumbled the shell away with a messed up sorta tenderness. **"We will do three each."**

"Sure," Greed shrugged like he didn't care, hiding his wary nervousness. What was Pride up to, playing all nice? He could obviously cook everything, tidy up, put the food in the pantry, read some books, and probably chew him out over nothing, all at the same time. "nothing better to do anyway, with you keeping tabs on me every minute of the day."

Pride's shadow covered the whole floor like pools of ink, and widened wherever Greed stepped. Much to Greed's relief, Pride didn't seem to want anyone touching his _actual_ body either.

 **"Children require supervision."** He actually turned around, flashing him a smug little grin as he cracked another egg. A quick flick of his shadow dragged him further along the worktop, giving Greed enough room to reach the remaining eggs.

Greed formed the shiny black of his Shield up to his wrists and dipped his hand into the pan, the cold water sloshing a tad as he plucked one out. Cold? Mustn't have been the pan they were boiled in. He squeezed just so, and the shell split piece by piece. Hardboiled eggs weren't his favourite, but if Pride was making an effort Greed thought it better to be cautious and go along with it, lifting it to his mouth.

 **"Do not eat them yet."** Pride hissed. The shadow that shot from the wall bounced off his Shield covered hand, and Greed dropped the egg only out of surprise. Another shadow caught the egg neatly, and it rolled down its 'arm' to the others on the plate. **"They are not finished."**

"Huh, you makin' something?" He asked, performing a slick double action with the two remaining eggs. Pride's shadow came and snatched them up as soon as he'd done.

 **"Yes. Scotch eggs."** He punctuated his point by lifting a handful of the breadcrumbs at his side.

"But we didn't get any whisky."

 **"They are called that because they are scotch** ** _ed,_** **they do not** ** _contain_** **scotch."** Some of his several other hands patted pieces of the minced pork around the eggs, and then scattered the breadcrumbs over them. See, didn't even need him at all!

"Oh."

Greed stood back and let Pride work. He thought about sneaking out but those piercing eyes still stared from the doorframe. The cooking oil bubbled on the worktop and Pride dropped the completed eggs in with those quick, efficient motions in which Pride did everything, but somehow not perfunctory, something strange there as well.

Later at the dining table, Pride ate in almost total silence with no adoring humans to play for. He merely stabbed into each piece gently with his fork, lifted it to his perfect white flat human teeth, and chewed, and gulped. His shadow in its billowing cloud behind him quivered slightly.

Three candles lined the table, dripping wax into their holders. Greed thought the much too plainly furnished dining room looked almost cosy in the weak light, while he sawed through his piece of lamb with the silverware.

"Hey, this ain't half bad, y'know." Greed admitted despite himself, scarfing down another chunk of the lamb, so tender he barely needed to chew it. He played the compliment coolly though, didn't want Big Brother's already massive ego outgrowing the house.

 **"Like I said, I'm not Lust. Of course I can cook impeccably, unnecessary as it is for our kind."** A dry, mocking smirk graced his lips. Apparently Lust's terrible skills were still fair game.

"Well yeah, wouldn't wanna lose any more souls on Lust's food."

Greed took a bite of the scotch egg, completely different from the lamb, crisp and chewy, pork and bread and egg, a strange mix that worked somehow. Felt kinda good, knowing he'd made 'em. That boiled egg cracking? 100% Greed. Of course, when Greed had his way he'd have many, many servants to cook up food for him. Maybe Lust could take some notes then.

It was probably Greed's imagination, but it looked like Pride ate with a smidge more enthusiasm, cutting his own remaining scotch eggs into halves and biting way more than half out of one. Hard to imagine they'd be just sat here, eating the human food that they'd wound up making together.

Huh, maybe being stuck here wasn't so bad.

Better than being stuck underground at least.

* * *

"…and then after a while we'll expand into antiques. We can just buy all sorts'a crap, keep it under wraps for a hundred years then sell it for waaay more money!"

 **"Will the humans not question of our lack of aging in this scheme of yours?"**

Pride humoured Greed's nonsense, anything better than his usual complaining and attempts at bickering. Bickering back was beneath Pride of course, so letting him run his mouth seemed suitable. The eldest took a quiet sip of his wine, his perfect regeneration registering only as a faint flicker of scarlet over his skin, neutralising any effect it could have. A moment passed before the liquid washed down onto his true body, gulped leisurely a second time. Greed meanwhile guzzled his diluted gin, continuing his ramblings.

"That's where Envy comes in! We'll have him change and age himself bit by bit, then we can just keep switching out, and by then we'll have Wrath and Sloth and Gluttony with us, too! That's why it'd be a _family_ business."

 **"You seem to have it all planned perfectly, Greed."** His shadow grew and shrank in the firelight. One tendril gingerly wrapped around his dried stockings, easing them to the hearthrug. He could put them away before bed, he supposed. **"But will you be so willing to part with your antiquated 'possessions' when the time comes to sell them?"**

Pride practically saw Greed's mind ticking like clockwork, noting the obvious flaw in his plans. He deflated with an exasperated sigh, holding the glass to his head.

"…You're right we need to rethink this. Let's stick to cookin' for the minute." And just as swiftly Greed had looped back to the start of their 'conversation', his idle and obvious flattery of their earlier cooking.

 **"You desire, as you so often say, money and women and power. You have that in our pretence here, so what else is there? Will you never be satisfied?"**

"It's not the same. I don't expect ya to get it, I'm _Greed_ , it's my Sin and no one else can have it. It belongs to me just like everything else in the world."

He must have been indulging too deeply in his alcohol. Perhaps it wasn't diluted at all. Pride grimaced at the thought, recalling the sharp, harsh taste of such. Even so, Greed's ramblings perplexed him slightly, observing a seldom seen passion in _anything_ from his brother. Imagine, casual, careless Greed, displaying an interest in anything outside his obsession for objects that suited his 'unique' tastes. How peculiar.

 **"Soon Envy and Lust will be here, and you can enjoy such wealth and status all you like, until Father requires us to end our façade."**

"Yeah…hope we can stay together for a little while first. Anyway, so when Envy and Lust get here we should…"

Pride laid his head down again, allowing Greed's chatter to wash over him along with the soft heat of the fire. Compared to the previous, perhaps this was not such an unpleasant evening, no matter the inanity of their civil enough, one-sided discussion.

Let him have his foolish, hypothetical ambitions while he was so young, at least until Pride could nurture Greed's passion towards their Father's ambitions, instead.

* * *

"Faaather, you're _letting_ me win, I know it!" The teasing chirrup floated on the air, before being swallowed in smoke.

The two homunculi huddled around the table, amusing themselves within a public house of relative repute for New Optain, and one Pride was amenable to patronise for an evening. Thick clouds hovered above his head and bathed the place in a duller grey haze, but it was nothing he could not see through effortlessly if he so wished.

"Nah, it's just a bit of luck, and some good pedigree." Greed brushed off his atrocious shot with his ready grin, his cigar poking out the side of his mouth. The proprietors were seemingly giving boxes of matches to customers for free, much to Greed's delight, now tucked safely in his coat lest the fancy to smoke strike him again.

Pride inched close with his little footrest serving as a stool, standing on it and lining up his shot. Both sexes of all ages enjoyed the subtler skills required for billiards, and Pride had dabbled in the game from time to time, sometimes with Lust or alone before Greed had been created. He bit his lip lightly in his mock concentration, and the billiard balls struck each other with a pleasing sound, the finest shot any human in the room would ever witness, naturally. Grinning and hugging the cue to his chest, Pride let the praise of their few spectators pour over him, the faintest hint of rose tinting his cheeks.

Greed waved off the compliments about his darling and precocious child, joining him away from the table a few moments later, maintaining a respectful distance.

"It's gettin' late, we should head home." He uttered in his best fatherly voice, slowly making an effort as far as their acts were concerned, more so in past few days as their outings and activities together grew more frequent. But why would he wish to end their outing so soon? Maybe Greed had grown tired of losing.

Blinking up through the smoky haze, Pride nodded, letting Greed lead him through the crowd and out into the street.

"Can you, er, make it back yourself?" Greed said, somewhat sheepishly, and beneath it asked in his polite enough way for permission to remain out. Oh, merely an attempt to escape his view, as if he could. Truthfully, Pride did not care how Greed spent his evenings so long as he kept himself out of trouble and acted as he should, but the desired and wholly _expected_ deference from his younger brother echoed exquisitely without being wrung from him. Perhaps he was gaining some overdue common sense. Noting Greed's politeness, Pride assented under more soft chirps.

"Of course I can, Father! Don't worry!" He trailed off into a yawn and then into a bashful titter before dashing off. Greed did not offer him the key to their temporary home, simply heading in the opposite direction. Had he forgot to lock the front door, _again_? Regardless, they both knew nothing as simple as a door could hinder him, so the question of the house key went unasked and unanswered.

His deep red coat fluttered on the crisp evening air, and alone again, Pride's act subsided a hair as he walked along the deserted paths. Not the familiar streets of Central that Pride had scoured for almost two centuries, but the idea of getting lost was absurd. Something whined and darted into a deeper alley. Pride paid it no heed. _Pathetic._ Even the creatures of Central, born in the presence of Father's immense power, held a stronger tolerance to their 'pressure'. No matter, soon enough these more pathetic beasts of New Optain would accept their presence, or flee, as Father's influence and Amestris itself grew, until it covered all of his eventual Crests of Blood.

The locked door proved no issue at all, and before ten minutes had passed Pride had already slipped under his silk bedcovering and fallen into sleep. Not true sleep, though. Leaving his container, his true form bled along into the streets it had traversed, observing all relevant occurrences within the town through his narrowed eyes. Pride seeped to the very outskirts, where the stone pathways met only dirt. This far out bordered on complete darkness, and he receded with a quiet ripple into a pool of light from an almost melted streetlamp candle, gazing out into the night.

Pride remained there while the sliver of the moon passed overhead, watching nothing at all, certainly nothing relevant, merely the stretches of murky green of the countryside, the far off villages that could have existed beyond his current barrier. Perhaps one of the specks was East Town, but he doubted it. Still no sign of Lust or Envy…

Something, a voice, flickered in the corner of his stretched consciousness, and Pride shut his eyes and opened them up closer to where the sound echoed through his shadow. Greed's voice poured from a doorway of some pub of disrepute, far too low for Greed's façade. No wonder his foolish little brother had wanted to come here alone. Pride settled himself in the highest shadow on the adjacent wall to the door, and within a few moments Greed came stumbling out, as if shoved, spectacles lopsided and coat hanging over his elbow. He took all of two steps before toppling over his sleeves, straight into a puddle.

 **"Ah, having some trouble, brother?"** Pride whispered, so quiet no human could hope to hear.

With his face planted on the floor Greed only groaned something that sounded mostly negative, waving his hand dismissively while he clambered to his feet and stumbled away. And Greed said he did not _lie._

 **"Well, I suppose there's a difference between lying and being** ** _wrong._** **"** Pride mused aloud, masking a curious bemusement over how much alcohol Greed must have consumed for him to end up in this state.

Greed's soaked, yellow-gold silhouette stomped off with several curses, and once he was certain no human would emerge from the pub Pride looped a thin shadow around Greed's damp coat, easing it over the cobbled street. No need to leave it there to get stolen, or possibly lead back to them.

Breakfast had already passed when Greed skulked in, clothes all rumpled.

 **"Welcome back."** Pride poured Greed some tea, which went promptly ignored in favour of some more gin.

"Morning, Pride." His brother plonked down on the armchair in a most overdramatic fashion, throwing his legs over the side and running his fingers through his dishevelled cravat.

 **"Misplaced something?"** The moss coloured coat dangled from the edge of his shadow, and with a flick it hooked perfectly into the mahogany coat hanger. He watched Greed push himself up and go rummaging in the pockets. **"Luckily for you this would be too bothersome to get replaced. Luckier still, the front door key did not f-"**

"My matches! Phew, I thought they'd fallen out for sure." As if to not let them out of his sight again Greed dropped the miraculously dry matchbox into his waistcoat pocket instead. Pride rolled his eyes at his brother's skewed priorities, and glanced down at his own, still pristine yellow waistcoat, the ostentatious colours of this century enjoyed by the populace. At least it helped them look somewhat complimentary together on their outings, outside their contrasting long coats.

 **"Would you like to explain why you were careless enough to leave it in the street?"**

"Yeah, got into a fight. Some Xingese guy was being real iffy, said I'm some kinda monster, and he's right but how could he know? So naturally I tried to defend my honour or whatever…"

 **"and you** ** _let_** **them humiliate you so, throwing you out?"** Pride otherwise ignored Greed's no doubt hyperbolic explanation. Surely something more logical, like the human's pet or something, or otherwise inebriated state had exacerbated those claims of his true nature.

"It was a _tactical retreat_. That place didn't deserve my money anyway."

 **"Perhaps you are correct; do not compromise the mission by killing anyone. However you should not let them best you so easily, even if someone like you would** ** _not_** **be associating with such a lowly establishment in the first place."**

"Guess I'm outta practice, cos who'd wanna partake in fisticuffs with charming ol' Greed? No one, that's who!" He knocked back his glass of gin, wiping his mouth _on his sleeve_. "But…maybe I should get some practice in, just to see."

Pride sat straighter, about to admonish Greed over looking for trouble, but paused, sifting through the allusions his siblings often concocted between each other.

 **"Ah, you wish to play, little brother?"** His shadow spread, bleeding a long strip of white, tightly curved upwards.

A flash of bewilderment crossed his face. Perhaps that hadn't been his real intention, but his brother grinned regardless.

"Sure, nothing better to do."

* * *

 **"If you were human you would be dead a thousand times over by now."** Big Brother drawled. His blunt shadow again bent out of shape. Still too stubborn to slice through his toff clothes ( _much too bothersome to replace,_ he said), he'd settled on lunging into his Shield as if to shatter his ribs with every strike, but something toying beneath even that, like he wasn't _trying_.

"Good thing I aint then, isn't it?" Greed only grinned, somewhat of a permanent fixture of their sparring, swiping at the tendril, and for Pride to bend his container out of its way on the rebound. Ha, something his precious 'perfect' body couldn't slice, and seemingly never could. Wouldn't want those giant gleaming teeth getting too much of a grip, though.

"What's wrong, Pride? You never heard that the best offence is a good defence?"

Now that was a great thought! Greed pondered it some more while he strode closer. Of their special abilities (breaking eggs notwithstanding), Lust's lances could apparently cut through _anything_ , so if Lust could slice through Pride's shadow, but not his Shield, that made him stronger than Pride! It also technically made Lust stronger than Pride in some ways, but that didn't matter since those two had never had a separate thought in their lives.

 **"You have that in reverse. The best** ** _defence_** **is a good** ** _offence_** **. Do not give others the** ** _opportunity_** **to attack at all. "**

A shadow wrapped around his wrist and slipped down beneath his frilly sleeves until it coiled tight over his arms, one or two or three more binding his ankles as well. Like that'd stop him. Greed fought against his shadowy bindings, struggling forward as if wading through knee-deep mud, and though Greed'd never say it out loud, exerting his utmost force into taking even the tiniest step. Pride hummed, tilting his head. The shadows slackened, leaving Greed straining against only the dusty air of the spare room, and giving Pride a perfect view to watch him smash face first into the floor. Fucking bastard.

"We said not the face…" Greed groaned, pinching his nose between his claws, snapping it back into place. Had his glasses broken? The reflected red sparks lighting the glass said no. Good. No need to hide his stunning good looks with his Shield, after all.

 **"You did that to yourself."** Like the blurry night before, those eyes glittered in a tendril way too close for comfort. Its pointed edge did the barest of softening into a pointy little hand and poked his cheek, rubbing it in. Greed latched onto its 'wrist' and pressed it down into the floor, watching it slither back to the main pool, all the eyes fading.

"This isn't exactly fair. You're way over there, n'all."

 **"I am** ** _everywhere_** **."** The shadows snapped at his heels as Greed jumped to his feet.

"That's just it. You gotta learn how to fight using your container. What if couldn't use your shadows? You'd be scr-"

 **"There is no need, as that shall never happen."** Pride had insisted on keeping his coat on, doing nothing to help his already hopeless 'fighting stance', which consisted only of his container standing there barely moving, like a doll.

"At the _very_ least, you gotta learn how to fall over properly."

 **"Fall?"** Pride's container blinked, some semblance of life returning to it. It eyed him curiously, the shadows retracting, and Greed watched it warily in return, sidestepping towards his… _actual_ target.

 _Only got one shot at this…_

"Yeah, you gotta perform a great falling roll, then you're all set for a counterattack." Ok, one step back. Where is it again? For once Greed wished he had lots of ugly extra eyes to spy behind him with. Only for a second though.

 **"Unnecessary. No human would ever strike me, all they see is** a _darling child._ " Pride purred in his split tones, smirking at Greed's shiver. Jeez, as if Pride's regular voice wasn't bad enough, now he was swapping between them!

"I guess. I know better though, and..." Without giving Pride time to catch on Greed leapt over to the only candle in the spare room, blowing it out with a breath much more casually than he felt. "Ya gotta learn sometime."

The room fell into complete darkness, blinding them both. Not to best laid plan, but it was better than nothing. Now they were sorta even. He heard Pride gasp at around waist height, purely from his container and the panicked patter of him darting for the door on his short legs.

Greed headed him off, catching Pride's arm with just his clawed thumb and forefinger, fit neatly around his thin wrist and everything, frills and all. Big Brother strained ineffectually against him with several tugs, kicking him like an actual brat, but so weak Greed didn't feel it. Probably wasn't on purpose.

"C'mon, fight back!" He shook him for good measure, trying _not_ to think about how dead he was when this was all over.

Pride obliged the taunt, his insignificant weight crashing into him. Oh, his feeble scrambling was just _precious_ , his little not dark sharp hand scratching at his waistcoat. It fell into his pocket, ha! Greed doubted his Shield could pierce his container, but he wasn't taking any chances on damaging Pride enough to warrant any pesky regeneration sparks. He shoved it over, Pride giving nothing but silence and then a muted thud. Sounded like it rolled. Good enough.

"There you go, fell perfectly! I think…" Not that he could see, but he heard Pride catching his breath aways off. A faint scratching sound reached him too, was he batting the oh-so-terrible scuffs off his coat? Then he shouldn't have kept it on!

Oh well, least he was learning, and actually using his container. For once Greed thought he caught flashes of a real fire in him, not usual bored, indifferent Pride, his eyes bright like when he was pretending. Quite the ego stroke if he did say so himself, coming from Pride.

Wait.

"Oh sh-!"

Unlike his expectations of extreme impalement from a thousand shadows, only one made itself known and swept his feet out from under him, striking the floor like a whip until Greed followed a moment later.

 **"Hmm, yes, you** ** _do_** **fall splendidly."** Big Brother's calmer steps halted beside him, his pristine teeth sparkling behind the quaint flame from his fancy pub matches. **"So clever, Greed. You must be very pleased with yourself, but you cannot best me."** Pride relit the still smoking candle, admiring the dual flames before lifting it above his head with his shadow, far out of Greed's reach.

"Um…you win…?" Yeah, might as well give up while Pride was in _some_ kinda different mood.

 **"Naturally."** Pride laughed, actually _laughed,_ his drooped eyes shining. Wasn't a cute kid laugh either, more like some long abandoned house creaking, but somehow there wasn't the usual cruelty there. Greed would have sworn him incapable of laughing properly, he didn't think there _was_ such a thing.

Well, wasn't there no such thing as no such thing? Guess it counted for Pride as well.

* * *

To any human this must've looked relatively _normal_ , simply a father and son enjoying a comfortable enough evening in the study. Just needed a babe on the floor (pretend it wasn't a massive ugly thing) and a lovely wife on his arm (watch the nails) and the act'd be fine. See? Perfect family!

Slow, quiet notes of some probably ancient melody poured out from the piano, Big Brother gliding over the keys, his shadow picking up on some of the lower octaves out of arm's reach. Greed wondered if he showed off like this with his human families.

Greed flicked leisurely through that day's newspaper. Sure, Pride said it counted as keeping tabs on the goings-on elsewhere, but it was packed with advertisements for lotsa cool shit, too.

 _…thud_

The noise drowned beneath the sounds of the piano, and not worth Greed's notice in any case. Maybe when Lust got here she would manage to convince Pride that interior design was _actually_ _important_. No wonder they stuck to the two rooms that had actually been furnished.

"Hey, Pride, can we go shopping tomorrow?" Worth a shot, right?

No answer besides more music.

"…Pride?"

The younger homunculus lowered the paper a fraction, peeking over the edge. Pride still coated the walls, rippling like water while his container knelt on the low chair and slumped on the top of the piano. He breathed those soft, fake breaths, eyes closed, and some crumpled letter lay under his fingers, too. The shadows only weaved around his small shape, twisting black strips still scraping the keys, going all out of tune.

The sound pissed him right off. Sighing, Greed dropped the paper and marched off to another part of the house where he could pretend the noise didn't reach. Might as well try and get some sleep.

But first…

Greed blew out the candle in the bedroom, then the hallway.

 _Pride's gonna kill me for this in the morning._

He extinguished every light in the house, until only the flickering flame of the study remained. Ever so gently he drew the curtains, not making a sound. So far so good. None of the shadows had grown eyes or teeth yet, either.

His fingers closed on the wick, and the music faded with the falling darkness. Now for a quiet and sensible retreat _._

"Get some sleep, Pride."

On second thought, he'd better just take the whole candle with him. Greed held it behind his coat and strode out on his tiptoes.

Even his arrogant prick of a brother deserved a rest sometime.

* * *

The hardboiled egg thing is of course an absurdly obvious reference to the omake in volume 8 of the manga :3

Also this is a callback to another fic of mine but I make Lust a terrible cook as her voice actress voiced Sanae in Clannad.


End file.
